Conclusion
The allergy to self is probably the most subversive problem of individuality because it denies the possibility of being comfortable in oneself. When that can’t happen, then life becomes a series of simulations. Modernity is fraught with these simulations. The cure to narcissism is to find a strong and stable identity, and to curate it. When that happens, the endless longing for self will diminish as the extraneous needs are revealed as mere dopamine-chasers. Unlike many other psychological problems, narcissism is a wholly individual act, and requires a wholly individual cure. Freud long warned against trying to treat narcissists as therapy would usually reify their simulations of reality.
However for the modern ‘individual’, who is not quite a person (yet), understanding this common condition gives us freedom. The difficulty is in finding our identity. One of the difficulties here is that we need to simultaneously ruminate on ourselves, but also need to avoid it. Rumination can not only help us know our identities, needs and etc., but it can also fabricate the lies that we tell ourselves. Here is where individual good-faith is born. A well-developed person will always analyze their own mistakes and faults, although they’d be wise not to share them (which perhaps gives outsiders the impression they don’t do this). A well-developed narcissist will also do this, except that it will be hollow and therefore vulnerable. Since narcissism is already common, I will still recommend rumination each and every day, hopefully at least 30 minutes if possible. Ideally, this time should be uninterrupted and alone.
During this time, the person should analyze their true desires, preferences, importance and goals. Initially this might be difficult to do, but will improve over time. Of special note will be the relationship between goals and skills. Narcissism most commonly manifests itself as a need to exaggerate skills, and thereby the goals (or entitlements) that result. Typically, they will think they are not getting what they deserve, and so will think the world is unfair. Another manifestation is the lack of thinking on others. In humans, the identity of self is inextricably connected to that of others. And in most respects, ruminations on our identity are closely associated with friends and family. The inability to recognize and see others is common in narcissists. Kant’s famous moral dictum to see others as an end unto themselves, rather than ‘mere means’, gives a good indication of this solipsism.
As narcissists are allergic to themselves (and all love therein), their intimacy is fraught with allergies as well. But once the purpose of intimacy is known, then utilizing it is quite simple. Intimacy is merely the degree of overlap between two identities. To let another identity into ours can be a scary process. If those people have bad intentions then we would be harmed. Again we can return to the need for judgment, for we should not let just anyone into our identity, instead they must be vetted properly. Another potential cause of the defensive shell thus, although it will be accidental to narcissism, is the lack of judgment, and so it becomes impossible to tell who will hurt us, and who won’t.
The ultimate problem with narcissism is that in modernity, people are not as unique as they need to be, yet there is a legitimate human need to be unique and important. We see the simulation of uniqueness in the ‘snowflake-syndrome’ that characterizes modern people. The issue is that if we can’t, or don’t find a good way of becoming unique and important thru legitimate means, then narcissism is the outcome. Today, people are all fungible, and we are mostly the same as others. And if one is the same as all others, then it becomes difficult to see why a particular person matters. If one can be easily replaced, then none are missed. Finding reasons and ways of ensuring that you as a person matter is key to overcoming narcissism. Many individuals have found this in family and relationships because they incur real costs – a child absolutely needs its mother and father. Thus being a parent matters and gives one a unique importance. As long as one lacks a true identity, all are vulnerable to narcissism. One must ensure that we are strong enough for reality so a retreat into our own fantasy is not needed.
