Symptoms of Narcissism

Let us call this hypothetical woman “Linda”, and let us say that she is an archetypal secondary-narcissist. I chose a woman because it works out better for the logistics of sexual promiscuity, and the demographics, since it leads to depressive symptoms in women, and depression and anxiety is similarly nearly universal in modern women.

First, let us describe Linda’s basic life-story and mode of interaction. Having introduced some of the essential characteristic already, we will soon recognize the pathology. Linda is a semi-successful woman who attended some college and has had a bit of professional and romantic success, then and even today. She is now a middle-aged woman (say mid-forties) who still has difficulty in her relationships. Despite having a large number of boyfriends and lovers over the years, has never found herself married. She often fantasizes about past lovers, and is constantly embroiled in nostalgic seeking and distraction, not only sexually, but in all aspects of life. She has a fear of being alone, and persistently tries to ‘stay busy’. She rationalizes this in various ways (e.g. achievement). Her relationship with her family, particularly her parents, is fraught with contradiction, loving at one moment, but filled with anger and resentment the next. A persistent jealousy chases her. At her core, she feels a profound loneliness, but cannot seemingly find its root or core. She has never found any appeal to being a mother, but instead prefers seeking novelty and new excitements, particularly sexual.

Her finances are atrocious, and is a testament to an impulsive life, always acting but never finding. A constant need to discover, to validate and to find oneself, but it seemingly never comes. She lives one day at a time, and has difficulty preparing for the future, and persistently puts it out of her mind. She knows on some level that her beauty is fading, but like most things, has no means of coping or subsuming it into herself. She doesn’t know who she is, and tries to discover herself thru the mirror of reality: other people and objects, particularly thru men and shopping.

To live such a life would be challenging, if not despairing. With little wonder, depression and its ‘learned helplessness’ are persistent. She has been in therapy and used anti-depressants off and on. They sometimes seem to help, but after near a decade (or more) of failed attempts, the whole situation appears to be unsolvable. After all, shouldn’t an expert in cognitive-behavioral therapy (or another therapy) know how to cure this? If it were caused by depression alone, perhaps they might. But what about narcissism? The trouble with a narcissist is that they love therapy, but never get anything from it. Because of the need for intimacy, they love the attention and validation it offers. But because they also think themselves smarter and more well-adjusted than they are (often because of delusional reframing). They never humble themselves and instead intellectualize and rationalize things, rendering therapy or any self-analysis useless. In some cases it actually makes it worse because it legitimizes their rationalizations about themselves and their situation. It allows a person to make up almost anything that sounds plausible, and deflects any truth from reaching them.

Above, I mentioned around a dozen different symptoms, all of which can be reduced into a single, essential cause. For the sake of clarity I already gave the cause itself: secondary narcissism. So lets break down the basic symptoms and how they relate to the origin, and then we’ll explain the cure.

At its core, narcissism is caused by a blurring between the self and the external world. For infants, this is the thinking that they are the world. As for children, it’s that the world revolves around them. For adults, it’s the improper boundaries of identity, often the lack of an identity itself. Without good boundaries, we end up caring about things we shouldn’t (often leading to jealousy, envy and resentment) and not caring about things we should (like dependable personal relationships or authentic being).

The result of this blurring between the self and the world ultimately results in a lack of identity, and consequently a lack of fulfillment. Linda, in her constant search for happiness jumps from one source of temporary pleasure to another, be it a man, a new purse or travel, a new car or whatever it might be. It leads to an endless oral-fixation, a constant need to consume new things. One’s entire purpose in life becomes appetitive and its satiatory. With little wonder, we could add that Linda has been steadily gaining weight over the years, and might even begin to have health-problems as a result. Yet she continually uses makeup and fashion as a means of avoiding her age and condition. Like many personal habits, she uses makeup so as to distance herself from reality. Combined with her increasing age, and her ability to make money, and allure men have for her will only get worse over time. Men that meet her will not be attracted to her personality, as none will want a woman who can’t offer love in return as her focus is always on herself. She is beginning to embody Jung’s Terrible Mother archetype.

As a result, there is a tendency to avoid thinking about the future, for it only holds pain and increased suffering. A healthy person prepares for old-age by storing up memories and a stable lifestyle to endure the hardships of age. For this reason, marriage and children often prove to be one of the most important sources of fulfillment. For women they also provide the valuable community experience that she craves. Unfortunately these aren’t valid options for Linda because of her tendency towards short-term tumultuous relationships and the selfishness that prevents stable and deep intimacy.

At this point we see the circle complete itself, and the lack of fulfillment that prevents future fulfillment. As she doesn’t have the identity needed to endure dependent relationships without triggering her anger and resentments, she ends up ruining the relationships with those that might actually work. The cycle then repeats itself, and further resentment is built up. But since it is partly her fault, she ends up resenting herself as well as others. Thus she is anxious about each new relationship, unable to commit for fear of repeating the cycle. Thus her own identity becomes the enemy, and a self-loathing soon takes over. Without a lovable identity, the loneliness becomes legitimate, and impossible to fix.

Pretty depressing? Yes it is. However, the situation might only seem impossible until we break it down. Obviously, we’ve already accomplished a great deal by analyzing many of its parts and explaining them. However the cure is fairly straight-forward once a clear path can be cut. In essence, Linda, like any narcissist, needs to find a self-sufficient identity. Most importantly, that identity must be localized within her own sphere of well-being, without any dependencies on other sources. Unfortunately, many try to center their identity in their behaviors, careers or even other people. They understand themselves only thru the mirror of reality. This is the cautionary-tale of Narcissus. In such a mode, everything becomes a form of acting, which is done for other people, never for oneself. This is largely responsible for the social-media obsession of millennials. They live their lives in public, and come to see themselves only from the perspective of others, and never from within their own head (ironically enough). This is one of the many ways in which the boundaries of self and other become blurred.

Aside from a basic symptom like trying to instantiate an identity, narcissism takes other forms. A major one is the ambivalent and contradictory relationships with others. Because of the ambivalent way in which fear and intimacy are related, there is a tendency to perceive others as a synthesis of friends and enemies. A nemesis-or-lover situation, where there is always a battle is to be fought, and so one must be careful not to become the victim. Soap-operas and other melodramas are shows about narcissism since their plots and characters follow these formulae. For these folks, all things, even good advice become subsumed under this framework. Therefore anyone criticizing or trying to ‘get one up’ on them will always be treated with hostility and distrust. This leads to a type of petulance that prevents criticism (both constructive and not), and even the obvious truth from getting inside. This is the basis for the allergy towards reality.

Rather than deal with it, they must live inside a 1984-style memory-hole where no errors are admitted, and all mental gymnastics are permitted. The admission of error would be disastrous, as it says that the ideals that one has for themselves are merely fictitious. Thus one will often see an incredible amount of rationalizations, and a preference towards illogical and inorganic narratives in order to preserve themselves or ideas about the world. And these narratives will naturally be centered on themselves, their skills, their value, their worth etc. All are simulations of the love that seem to escape them. While all people need these things, as a species we are built not to lie about them. We must embody them authentically, and if we don’t, we must be corrected. Narcissism makes an end-run around this repentance and self-change. It cheats Nature, and so Nature punishes us in return. Rather than live in a reality outside themselves, they keep a shell up to maintain their necessary illusion.

Trying to break thru this shell proves extremely difficult, and is a recipe for conflict for all that dare enter. Because anyone threatening their shell is threatening them, they will quickly react negatively and with hostility. Because these will find shelter in subjectivity (for then one’s own truth is as good as any other), things which are objective, necessary, and irrefutable are scary and to be avoided. People who persist ‘against them’ are often labeled as arrogant. Narcissists believe themselves equal or greater than others, and so anyone who might be above them must be attacked. This leads to a resentment-driven leveling that distrusts expertise, knowledge, improvement, and leads to pride and actual arrogance. Where most human activities strive upwards, narcissism strives downwards. Instead, they would prefer to stay away from such, for secrecy and solipsism is much safer. It is a cosmopolitan modern problem because subjectivity is given such high regard in our culture.

Unfortunately, these delusions can only go so far until reality begins to intrude again. These are the major depressive episodes or other forms of ‘acting out’. Reality can only be held back for so long, and eventually relationships begin to suffer as the number of self-caused errors accumulate. Individuals will recognize this in others, and so narcissists will tend to keep to themselves, finding others to aid them in their play-acting. They will conflict with non-narcissists, for the latter will insist on authenticity and accuracy. Far easier it is to: ‘take no criticisms and find no answers’. Thus narcissists prefer the company of other narcissists.

Now, this question of authenticity seems the metaphysical essence of narcissism. All humans demand an authentic relationship with themselves and with Nature. As a result, narcissism is a dike merely holding back reality for as long as one can sustain it. The higher the barrier, the worse the catastrophe. Instead however, a narcissist can overcome it by slowly draining the inflations of self. Because authenticity is the efficient-cause of identity, finding authentic relationships and modes of being will actually spur the identity, even ex-nihilo. This is how well-adjusted children overcome secondary narcissism. They ‘find themselves’ in the world, by slowly letting off the pressure. In practice, this happens when the identity is instantiated in reality, and then localized in a proper region.

Unfortunately, this process is often corrupted as well in narcissists, particularly with authentic social relationships. Rather than seek the relationship for its natural boons, weird extras and meaningless tokens become involved, almost in a ‘putting the cart before the horse’ kind of way. For instance, rather than merely wanting to spend lunch and talk, a narcissist might want to go to an extraordinary lunch, perhaps spending extravagantly, and then fail to discuss anything of substance. Many actions will be self-defeating in this way, with too much emphasize on a thing that doesn’t promote authenticity.

A novel test for this in a person is to identify what type of media they enjoy. Narcissists will prefer media that tends towards the extravagant or exciting, albeit without any substance. Because they live in a fantasy world, media that blends truth with fiction will be preferred. Moreover, since they need and desire social approval, it will be a socially-directed show. The perfect combination of these are soap-operas. For this reason, soap-operas have become the dominant television show in recent years, and not all of them are on day-time television. Their hallmarks are those of narcissism, and feature characters who function as such.

This is also why many shows have become hyper-sexualized, but without any purpose or content. In these, sex is a hollow extravagance, and gives the opportunity for a semblance of intimacy, but then denies it by hiding the true exploration of self. It simulates authenticity, but without substance. While ‘meaningless sex’ is actually impossible, it does tend towards such as much as it can. Thus promiscuity, and a general inability to engage with intimacy is another hallmark of narcissism.

Other prominent symptoms include extraordinary oral deprivation. As Freud noted, there is a need to consume and experience new things. This goes with the infancy and immaturity innate to identity. Because infants don’t have enough to base themselves, they must search and explore. They are seeking to consume things into themselves, even if it is something like a toy or finger. This is how humans accumulate into themselves. In adults this takes the form of a listless wandering, where they might move from town-to-town or person-to-person. They tend to stay just long enough to have satisfied their superficial curiosity and then it becomes time to move on. From their side, it is a type of boredom and emptiness which leads to an impulsive searching and striving. This also is seen in the nexus of insignificance that characterizes narcissism in general. It is a person without an essence.

The final symptom is the defensive shell we mentioned above. This shell is designed to keep people at arms length. It is typically a set of psychological and rhetorical barricades designed to lure a person in, while actually keeping them out. Thus it comes across as a combination of intimacy-seeking and intimacy-avoidance. This symptom has two faces, and is recognizable if an outsider tries to penetrate the barrier fully. A common tactic is idle flattery, where the person attempts to bait intimacy by offering an overly generous compliment, but then spurns the intimate response it generates. Another common dynamic is an extraordinary openness in one area of themselves, but then to deflect and hide others things of the same order. In the case of sexual promiscuity for instance, the sex comes easily, but the intimacy never follows. This is of course, the opposite of typical sexual encounters, whereby the sexual-act is merely an embodiment of the intimacy itself, and thus the one gives-way to the other and vice-versa. In this dynamic, the part that is easily given is the part that is most simulated, and exists in a type of demilitarized zone.